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#thatfuckinghouse

digit@iviv.hu
Digit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lczgUj4InX0 :) #rooftopGarden

personal note, another reminder [after today again seeing several features on houses locally that "can't be done"] of #thatfuckinghouse torture/blackmail/slavery/defrauding I suffered.
...I was told that [rooftop garden] can't be done. ... among other lies.
All the wonderful things said of it in that video. Exactly. So why did they go out of their way to prevent all that goodness? It does not make sense what they did, still, try as i have for >8 years to figure out why they'd enslave their disabled son, who was not fit for work, to work at designing a home fit for his needs, despite that work pushing his already worst health even worse, then torment him with threat of building a house where every key design feature for health and homeostatic regulation etc, was inverted, and threatening to put him in that, while still asking what would he change about it, as if offering to mend it, but then always doubling down on the worst inversion possible, at every turn that mattered, forcing hundreds more designs, all denied the criteria, but demanded meet the criteria, offered only "meet your needs", suffering through all-over level 7 pain unrelenting for months, denied breaks, berated for ever not doing the designs, denied suitable working conditions, then one day came the ultimatum, the wrong house in the wrong house in the right material, which they twisted his complex answer rejecting the wrongness as accepting the wrongness, and still offering "well what would you change about it", even though the design by then had already been honed in on and refined, following needs, form following function, for them to know what it was supposed to be, and so, they kept asking weird false-binary questions in place of design, but still insisting on design, by the end of it ONE THOUSAND designs done, more artwork than done in entire life prior. was not fit for work. Still picking up the pieces, striving to have the ability to walk. I designed a house to heal. At a glance, identical form as in that video. They built a house that would cripple me. And actively torment me mentally, and harm me physically. Through me explaining how wrong it was. And they still proceeded like they were doing the right thing, like i was supposed to be loving it, and grateful, for being torturered, to design what would be used as template to invert from healing, to the torture box they built. ... even before figuring out I'm autistic, n all the self regulating need of control of ones own environment type stuff... what they did... whwhwhwhaaaaaaaat the fuck was that all about!? they had the opportunity to create something good (and originally it was just a case of put a slab over the old building there, add plumbing, doors, windows, inner wall furnishing, done, but no, then they insisted I were to design it from scratch, fit for my needs, ... I was good to go, didnt need breadcrumbed through that insane hell.) and instead they went out of their way to make it more expensive to be infinitely less useful and worse, actively harmful, and worse, maximally harmful... even in the face of being told, and shown... was it hypnosis and dark tetrad and dementia and... whwhwhwhwat the fuck was that about? why would anyone do that to anyone? fun fun #cptsd. Sisyphus had it easy. His rock only went back down to ground level. Didnt get burried. I envied gregor sama. Many times it felt like I needed to vomit up my spine. ... Seriously. The mix of gaslighting and blowing smoke up my ass, the manipulative transactionalism of the psychopathic narcissism, the total absence of contrition or introspection or awareness & compassion for other people's suffering, or awareness of the significance of dire outcomes... only goes so far to explain it. Why invert everything? Some kind of other aspect of the narcissism? The subconscious retribution against the truth teller threat?

... Anyways, personal pain reminder rant triggering aside... fucking cool house. Ace idea, rooftop garden, maximise food production on land area, eliminate food miles, benefits for spirit, community, environment and health... Glad someone else had the idea, and were not scuppered from implementing the idea by #stupidcants. :)

#wecanstillmendthis

Even if you're suffering some knocks, even if it seems absolutely dire, hang in there, turn mendwards, patiently persevere, you are here, now, there are things you can do, you will find them, and do them, and even where it seems you cannot, just persist in orientation: #mendwards.

digit@iviv.hu
Digit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIlV66Whl8g

"We did essentially everything shouldn't have done, and none of the things we should have done. People should have been outside, we locked them inside. We took sick people and sent them to places they would infect other vulnerable people. We hooked them up to ventilators, when the ventilators didn't work we turned up the pressure. Right? We denied them drugs that are safe and do work. We gave them things, uh, medical treatments that don't work and cause harm. It's across the board. And I keep trying to call attention to the unlikeliness of you landing on every wrong answer. That's really improbable."

just like with #thatfuckinghouse I was enslaved to design, when at my worst health, really not fit for work, a house fit for my health needs, and then psychelogically tortured to design it (genuinely) ONE THOUSAND times over, triple time, no pay, with the promise of a house fit for my needs at the end of it, being asked questions about it, having my answers ignored, rejected, inverted, perverted, kept working at it for years, after tey told the architects to ignore my designs, kept me enslaved despite my screams of agony pleading that i needed to stop to look after my health, being insisted that it needed to get done, yet they never getting my designs to the architects, seemingly ensuring that every key design feature for my health was inverted, every the lure and promise that getting through it would end up wth a house fit for my needs in which i could heal... and yet.... as the list i'll paste at the bottom of this post may show... as bret weinstein similarly points out for "the pandemic", "did essentially everything shouldn't have done, and none of the things we should have done" & "the unlikeliness of you landing on ever wrong answer. That's really improbable". it's beyond astronomical improbability. you cant just fall on that by accident. that many things, so out of the way to be so wrong, so unusual, so especially the exact wrong thing...

and

"So I don't know whether that is a just a mater of we have a few morons who think upsidedown, and land on tthe wong answer all the time, and really all you gotta do to find out the right answer is do the opposite of whatever they say. That seems super unlikely, but, could be."

i tried that once, but they saw through that and did the wrong thing i said. their psychelogical torture prison was that absolute and inescapable.

#upsidedowntime #everywronganswer #invertedeverything #reallyimprobable #beyondastronomicalimprobability ... #lookslikegenocide #looksintentional #scamdemic #psychelogicaltorture #breachofdutyofcare #averybritishgenocide #filicide #worsethingsthandeath

here follows a paste of a file in which i have a version of the list of inversions, and a little more of the context (the preceding attempt to include me in a human cull of the disabled poor, and the interlinking similitude which had me satirically bitterly warningly point out "welcome to my world" to all succumbing to the scenario imposed upon them where the systems of care become systems of cruelty and culling, as i met them coming the other way, going into lockdown, just as i was starting, struggling, to get my still crippled terrified self out of the house, warning "DO NOT GO IN THERE, IT IS REALLY BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH" screaming to no avail to the oncoming startled terrorised masses stampeding obediently) ....

(... oh, and cherry on top of my survivor's guilt... i cant complain about it, because to appearances on the outside, while others were culled, i had a house built for me... and even to attempt to complain, takes such a lengthy explanation, the explanation attempt is itself a torment that re-traumatises me.)

While suffering from "A Very British Genocide" (the "austerity" based culling of the disabled poor through fraud, assault and destitution) and at my worst health, the people I thought were my parents, whom I was entirely dependent upon for the care they insisted on offering, announce they're selling the farm, and moving to a new house they're building, and say I'll be put in the little building already there, which would be converted to fit my needs. Then they said they were doing a pair of "1-for-1" building deals. So they insisted I was to design a house fit for my needs. Despite being in my worst health, and NOT FIT FOR WORK, I did this, since then I would have a house fit for my needs. But then they made up lie after lie about what could not be done, denying me information about criteria to make my designs fit, thus making me re-design and re-design over and over, across many contingency designs. Deeper and deeper into worsening health, they/she still insisted it needed to be done immediately. Even through my screams of agony, pointing out to them I was in severe pain, and needed to look after my health, they kept me in that room in poor working conditions. Years later, I learned when they told me they had already told the architects to ignore my designs. THEY TOLD THE ARCHITECTS TO IGNORE MY DESIGNS. But then kept me designing and re-designing and re-designing it, even through months of solid level 7 pain all over. Even after an ambulance got called for what seemed like a heart attack, but turned out to be severe shin-splints that had been hiding under my fibromyalgia, they still kept me re-designing and re-designing. I'm not sure they even saw 1% of my designs, yet still insisted I had to keep doing it. I'm not sure the architects even saw 0.1% of my designs. They had me design that house fit for my needs (no exaggeration) a thousand times. This is more artwork in the space of 3 years than I had done in my entire life, as one who says he's "artist since birth". They kept asking questions about what I wanted in the house, as if I were to get it, but in infuriatingly illogical ways, where there were only two options on offer, that bore no relation to what I was designing. And then they do the opposite of what I say anyway. The result: they built a house that INVERTED EVERY KEY DESIGN FEATURE. So instead of a house fit for my needs, it was a torture box. Instead of a house to heal me, it's a house that would harm me. Nowhere in that torture box would I be able to exist without multiple harms happening. They went out of their way to make it like this. It's not like they were just so humdrum that they wanted insist on something conventional. There are weird design peculiarities in what they built, like the bathroom with 2 doors on opposite ends, or the pointless hole in the floor. I kept meeting all their spurious criteria. I would show them examples of how what I was designing COULD be done, because it HAD BEEN DONE, even locally, and when they said "but not in hemp", I'd still find examples. Even one in Sweden, that was basically exactly like my design (even stairs up to roof continuing from my corner stairs, not needing the outter walkway). I estimated my utilitarian design would have cost far less than their oppulent squanderance, so it's not like they can even use reason of not affording my design. That it does not make sense, is such a huge part of the torture. I cannot fathom why they went out of their way to maximally invert everything about my design, and why they put me through that.

Let's see how many of their inversions I can list, and how many of their peculiar anti-design features crop up along the way.

  1. I insisted any stairs but spiral, since spiral is agonisingly harmful to my knees and psyche and spine. They built spiral stairs.
  2. Not only spiral stairs, but the worst kind of spiral stairs, in a square box.
  3. Not only the worst spiral stairs, but in the worst place, in the middle, rather than the corner.
  4. Not only all that, but instead of minimising vertigo-inducing scary sheer drops and looming heights, as mine would, in the corner, with storage distancers and walls (various across my many designs) to mitigate the 2 problem points, instead, iiiiinstead, there's NO ESCAPE from the drops, all around.
  5. Worse than that, the 1 part of the stairs that would naturally of course evade that problem, the last steps to that floor, were beset with the hole in the floor, glass walled.
  6. Yeah, they put a hole in the floor.
  7. They put glass around their stupid pointless hole in the floor.
  8. The windows were supposed to be contiguous. They broke up the windows.
  9. The windows were supposed to be knee to ceiling, they made them ankle to eye level.
  10. The feng shui / view flow, changed from in my designs being out and up, to in their torture box in and down.
  11. They blocked the part of the view they knew was important to me from my rants about how they ruined the windows in the house we'd lived in for 4 decades.
  12. They deprived my vagal nerve resets from views.
  13. Where there was supposed to be addaptive living space, they put the wrong stairs.
  14. Where there was supposed to be stairs, they put wasted space.
  15. The kitchen was supposed to be in the west, in the middle. They put it in the north east, splayed down to south east.
  16. The kitchen was supposed to be compact. They splayed it out.
  17. The dishwasher was supposed to be at worktop level. They put it half way down (so couldnt even squat for it, causing it to be in the worst back-breaking height).
  18. The put a door upstairs... for no apparent reason. o_O to hang myself from? (where there was supposed to be morning contiguous horizontal windows.
  19. Where there was supposed to be a purposeful double door on the north wall, in many of my designs, leading to the north wall walkway/balcony leading to outdoors stairs to roof, they put a window that opened to sheer drop to concrete.
  20. Their pointless scary north wall window so big it barely held on its stupid hinges... why do this?
  21. Where there was supposed to be windows in the south west, was wall.
  22. Where there was supposed to be privacy sparing kitchen and high window, there was another of those ankle to eye-level windows, inescapable.
  23. Where there was supposed to be the toilet, was a wasted corner space.
  24. Intersecting where there was supposed to be the north door (to balcony/roofstairs), and walking space and adaptive living space and storage, they put the upstairs toilet.
  25. Couldnt get to the toilet, or leave the toilet, without suffering the unnerving sheer drop to the spiral stairs.
  26. Not even between the toilet and stairs could I have used as a hide-hole to lay a bed in, as the privacy/dignity defeating ankle-height windows and skylights kept even that spot in view from multiple angles.
  27. Skylights. wtf. said no to that. but then...
  28. Angled ceiling. opposite of what i insisted upon, so i could ground and steady myself reasuringly by touching the ceiling.
  29. Vast high cavernousness from that angled ceiling, unbeknownst to me until being in it (yet still not sought, and reasonably argued against to no avail), causes vertigo and unease.
  30. No flat roof. Peaked roof.
  31. No garden space on roof.
  32. No dignity preserving eczema space for sunbathing on roof or anywhere else.
  33. No garden space in upstairs.
  34. No windowed corner stairs in south east.
  35. No cubby hole/storage space under the stairs.
  36. Stairs were supposed to be split square to minimise falls probability.
  37. Stairs were supposed to be split square to minimise falls distance.
  38. Stairs were supposed to be split square to minimise falls harms.
  39. Downstairs corridors were to be walled with storage. None of that.
  40. Front door was supposed to avail privacy. Instead they made a vast wall of windows.
  41. Front door wall of windows they made, they told could not be done, when I said I wanted that in 3 other places on the design (corner stairs, and north upstairs door).
  42. Downstairs floor is hard concrete. ~ UNSUITABLE TO EVEN STAND ON with my conditions (especially chronic shin splints, which would worsen on that surface, crippling me.)
  43. Distance to toilet from front door was minimised in my design. Their torture box hid access to the toilet either through the pointless room and bedroom, or through utility room.
  44. My design had the utility room be the entire coridor.
  45. My design had minimised the distance from bedroom (bed) to toilet (seat).
  46. My design had minimised the distance from driver door to toilet.
  47. Their torture box had maximised the distance, no matter which way around parked, from driver door to either door exiting garage. My design had these distances minimised, which, no reason they could not have had the doors positioned so, even on their mal-design.
  48. And then once out of the garage, either door, was more concrete
  49. And not only once out of the garage, either door, was more concrete, but also more distance over concrete to traverse than could have been.
  50. The downstairs bathroom (again, across concrete!), was vast.
  51. The downstairs bathroom (again, across concrete!), had doors on either side! so to lock the doors, had to injure organs and shins and psyche locking both, and unlocking both, every time. My design had minimised distances to accomodate my difficulties getting to the toilet in time... and wouldnt have done something stupid like make it have doors on opposite sides, nor worsen that by having it be so pointlessly space wasingly vast.
  52. Their torturebox's downstairs toilet had nowhere to steady oneself upon.
  53. The storage space downstairs in my design, gone, reduced to barely a 10th.
  54. The storage space and utilities downstairs, moved from practically placed in flow, to out of the way to cumulate shar-chi and molds and clutters.
  55. The south wall storage space (doubled as extra structural support) replaced by window doors, depriving privacy... no escape, as upstairs, could not get around in home, without being on display.
  56. The bedroom was to have a door on the east, to garden, so could be like a morning sun access. This was to be at the foot of the beds.
  57. Bedroom was supposed to be addaptive to accomodate pod-beds. Not possible in their maldesign.
  58. Bedroom got an unwanted window. Defying privacy.
  59. Bedroom got an unwanted window. Defying sleep-assisting darkness.
  60. Bedroom got an unwanted door on the middle west.
  61. Bedroom got an unwanted door on the middle west preventing corridor from east to west, doors beyond the foot of the bed(s) (beds which would have been secured in pods)).
  62. Bedroom's unwanted door on the middle west preventing secure sleeping where single door is at foot of bed.
  63. Bedroom's unwanted door on the middle west, went straight into bathroom (and not even viable to have bed near toilet, given the vastness and misalignments, so maximised distance, despite only 1 door separating the bathroom germs from bed, and not even at foot of bed, but closest proximity... worst possible.).
  64. Beds. Was quite insistent that my spine and circulation does better sleeping on the floor.
  65. Walls, not covered in storage or other functionalities.
  66. Walls, not a pleasant subdued soft warm colour, but glaring white.
  67. Lighting, on white walls, was at eye level, and super-bright non-adjustable led not really shaded, like intentionally trying to harm retina and make blind.
  68. Lighting autistic light-sensitive torture.
  69. Cable socket things in the floor, eliminating anywhere to escape electro-magnetic feilds.
  70. Cable socket things in floor added trip hazards.
  71. Raised lips on doors add trip hazards.
  72. Raised lips on doors unergonomically causing maladaptions for pelvis.
  73. Raised lips on doors unergonomically causing maladaptions for neck.
  74. Pointless room in south east, where could have been the stairs as designed.
  75. Pointless room in south east, has unnerving window where should have been storage.
  76. Pointless room in south east, has walls where should have been windows for morning sun and privacy preserving views.
  77. Supposed to have been a pit in the garage, to mend my struggling vehicle.
  78. Garage was designed to have storage/workspaces along the walls, which they replaced with white walls.
  79. Lighting in the garage was bright blue day light fluorescent. ow ow ow ouch. worst for health.
  80. Around the perimeter I had envisioned grass, or perhaps some kind of woodchip soft path... they made it all concrete.
  81. Around the perimeter I had envisioned flat ground, they made made it all concrete stepped and sloped.
  82. The inescapable concrete moat perimeter around the house, as well as having unnerving slopes along it, and steps off it, was bumpy enough to be like the raised lips on the doors.
  83. The inescapable concrete moat perimeter around the house, as well as having unnerving slopes along it, and steps off it, was bumpy enough to be like the raised lips on the doors. increasing risk of trips.
  84. The inescapable concrete moat perimeter around the house, as well as having unnerving slopes along it, and steps off it, was bumpy enough to be like the raised lips on the doors. increasing harms in event of trips.
  85. The inescapable concrete moat perimeter around the house, as well as having unnerving slopes along it, and steps off it, was bumpy enough to be like the raised lips on the doors. To no benefit against ice slippiness, maximising harmness.
  86. The accoustics, ~ I cant be sure of how would have been in mine, but i presume better with the storage walls, and double windows ~ in their torture box was scary, surprising given it was hemp.
  87. 5 sided rooms. I hate this. It drives me crazy. Regardless what axis upon. So another reason the entire living space made an inescapable torture.

and all this, they had put me through years of intensive redesigning while not fit for work, pushing me to keep doing it, with blackmail atop the predicament where i was dependent on them, despite their tortures, even through prolongued constant level 7 pain all over as a baseline for months, all the while professing to be offering to put me in a house fit for my needs, and insistening on their duty of care. They consulted me, to do the inverse. It's not like Sisiphus, where the rock would merely fall to the ground. The rock went under ground, and I was to suffer that for eternity. I came to envy Gregor Samsa. I know no dystopia that put its protagonist through horrors as severe as this level of psychelogical torture.

Except now perhaps reality... given the COVID scam that transpired immediately after, where systems professing to care, that you depend upon, continue to profess to care, but exact tortures to push you to death, and risk destitution atop the health scares... "welcome to my world" i'd sarcastically say, while also insisting people not go into lockdown, warning "it is NOT good for health", understatedly even with the emphatic manner of expression.

Now lets list the things that they got right:

  1. The garage window on the west. (though I would have had it be openable... as i recall it was not on their torturebox... but lets not quibble over that. lets keep something in this list as something that was right).
  2. It's Hemp. :/ I suppose I have to include this point too. But it seems mute, given the tortures in implementation (and the tortures put through for it ~ including the ultimatum of wrong house or wrong house in hemp).

Oh, and did i mention yet they imposed this on me with an unecessary ultimatum? they insisted it had to be the inverse design not in hemp, or even more the inverse design in hemp... which they wrote in their answer, a contortion of my answer, ommitting my explanation of how it didnt need to be an ultimatum, and how my design could be done, and how here i had an example by then of the house in Sweden that's basically identical, ommitting my complaints and reasonable rational arguments against what they were trying to impose, which had not changed other than to worsen and increase maximisation of inversion and maximisation of harm and maximisation of design-wrongness, unfathomnable, inexplicably, no matter how I asked for explanation from them... like they forced me to pick it, even though i was emphatically explicitly elaboratively explaining otherwise.

I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to get them to explain why they did all this... but most of the time i got nonsensical misdirecting non-sequitor trollings as responses. The nearest I got to an answer why they did this "You're not easy to live with either." o_O Like a slip that it was intentionally vindictive? Suggesting it was intentional torture and attempted murder by forced suicide? That they are psychopaths, is as near as I have gotten to an answer why they did this. It would fit, as a cruelty they could exact on me, strategically, keeping up appearances.

It would have been less torture if they had tied me up for the duration, cutting me, and pouring vinegar into the cuts. Not exagerating.

Adds to the survivor guilt I have from the Fit-to-work scandal, where over 130,000 disabled poor were culled by the Conservative/LibDem coalition. Worse things than death. And neither death nor this torture at all either necessary nor in any way advantageous to anyone. The stupidity is staggering. Stultophobia triggering. How does such dangerous stupidity get to persist, and enact?

Oh, and did I mention, also... When in college, and a tutor scribbled over my artwork, that was the straw on the camel's back, that had me decide on killing myself. I only survived because in the interim of the opportunity arising, I was introduced to cannabis, and it gave me space to think. Genuinely, cannabis saved (and saves) my life. This just being the first way it helped me.

So imagine the burden that must be, to have gone through all that, when just 1 piece of art being scribbled on was enough to induce a conclusive suicide ideation decision (no cry-for-help stuff ~ it was /done/ as far as i was concerned).

Now add to this, the context that, in childhood, while suffering stresses of unexpected attacks in the dark from elder brother, worsening the auto-immune conditions and stress had from earliest memory (being covered head to toe in umgwentum merc for fairly severe eczema), that shared bedroom gets redecorated... and he gets to pick the decor. Then, a new space in the house gets availed to make into a bedroom, and he gets it, and gets to decorate it. Then again, a second bedroom space in the house gets availed in the completing construction/decorating, and, he again gets to move to it, and gets to be the one to design it too! 3 bedrooms, the sporty non-artist son gets to pick the decor for. All unnerving hostile to my autistic sensibilities, left in that first room for decades.

I never wanted to move back here. 1st time, health. 2nd time, money. 3rd time, law. 4th time, torture.

Why did they do that? I would still love to know.

It's not easy having ones life purpose poisoned in this way.

I still see the house I designed clear as I do this house I'm in. I dont know if this is something of my aptitudes, that other people dont have, but... it's there. It will be there for the rest of my life. Even without the tortures, it may have been there. The other two houses in my mind, since childhood, that I was not enslaved to design, may yet still be built. Once I get more healed from this trauma, and come into access of the resources to implement it, around my autistical quirks.

I would still love to know why they did that, and how/if what they did is okay, even if I were not autistic.

the case

high iq sensitivities:
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0160289616303324

designing for autism:
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=designing+for+autism

references:
https://diaspora-fr.org/posts/add719a0641a013a6e3f002590d8e506
^ the swedish house, iirc.
(or just one that looks exactly like it.)

https://diaspora-fr.org/posts/7645882 https://diaspora-fr.org/camo/3c2936be104cb9798dfd99788b72724952fffd86/68747470733a2f2f6e657264706f6c2e63682f75706c6f6164732f696d616765732f36633738616539303637396634646130316337312e6a7067 https://diaspora-fr.org/camo/056ecf4002f809337296c1277c4e0e447cb94195/68747470733a2f2f6e657264706f6c2e63682f75706c6f6164732f696d616765732f7363616c65645f66756c6c5f36633738616539303637396634646130316337312e6a7067

"reminds of my house plans. i mean my house plans, before they perverted and inverted every feature for health, making it a prison of tortures, torments, assaults and harms, in #thatfuckinghouse. maddening to have had that happened. i still hold out hope of one day finding a suitable location again for the house they enslaved me to design for years, triple time, through my worst health, denying me breaks or medical leave, through all over level 7 body pain for months, … because to have gone through all that… then they inverted it all, and tried imprison me in that torturebox… no… that house needs built. dont give me any “falacy of sunk costs” bullshit or ultimatums or defraudings or blackmails or any of the rest of that criminally insane shit they put me through, that house needs built. with a roof like that in this image. pretty much exactly like that even. though, i had versions for the stairs up in each corner (least fave, north east, then south west), and middle north, as well as versions without the stairs being indoors, so the roof remained flat, without a walled stair building jutting up into it."

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