Elderly people may seem frail, but messing with them is never a good idea. Though their bodies have aged, their minds are still razor sharp, and their lengthy life experience gives them an upper hand in many situations.
The following letter was sent to a US bank manager by an 86 year old woman after a cheque bounced, and he thought it was so funny that he sent it to the New York Times to publish. The letter should bring a smile to your face and serve as a reminder that messing with older people is a very bad move indeed.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, 3 nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds need to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only 8 years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your phone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity that your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached and Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank does about me there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his or her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter that 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELEY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH.
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to a call of nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer. A password to access my computer is required. The password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and listen to options #1 through #10 again.
#9. To make a general complaint or enquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.
Whilst this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your humble client
P.S. Remember: don’t make old people mad.
We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
