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hipstre@diasp.org
Rifkin Semmelweis

I am a #broken person and I have wanted to die for twenty five years. I am fundamentally #worthless. People will say that my "#negativity" is what is causing this. Which is a pointless fucking thing to say. Whatever the reason is, it doesn't matter. I am a worthless sack of #shit. I should never have been born. I have never been #happy. Everything truly gets worse year after year. I was unable to make a life worth living thirty years ago, when I was young, and I have only gotten weaker, dumber, less confident, more of a burden. The only merciful thing that can happen is if I get killed. I want it to be #painless. I cannot remember the last time I looked forward to anything. I spend the entirety of every day avoiding as many people as possible. I used to like people, but I have been in a #relationship that has taught me to truly, truly fucking hate things that I "#love". It makes no sense. Nothing makes sense. Everything is turning me into a horrible #monster day by day, and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it. I don't even want to do anything about it. Seeing "#happy" people fucking disgusts me. Seeing #miserable people disgusts me. I have nothing but #hatred and #contempt for all of you. I don't know why I haven't killed myself. Things come up and I just go on automatic. Then something happens and I am back here. What the fuck happened in the last month (or however long it's been since I've written a #suicidenote on here) that changed anything? Nothing. It's been awful. It's been an absolutely awful month that was worse than the month before. Actually it wasn't. It was not as bad. But everything is falling apart. I hate being alive.

I went to the #dentist. I need a lot of work done. I don't see the point of it. I don't want to spend $50,000 on my teeth and then blow my fucking brains out. So my teeth get worse and worse. I had kidney stones. They hurt like hell. My bitch of a "partner" spent the entire time in the Emergency Room bitching about how this wasn't even one of the five worst things that happened to her in the last year and a half. She is an unbelievably selfish bitch in many ways. In other ways, she enables me to be the disgusting, worthless sack of human fucking garbage that I am. I deserve someone as fucking atrocious as she is. I fucking hate her. I fucking hate her so fucking much. She disgusts me. Everything disgusts me. I want #aliens to read this and take #pity on me and #vaporize me instantly in my #sleep. But it never happens. The only way out is through or over a wall of #pain that I am too #lazy to break down or climb over. So I just #persist, making everyone's life worse. If you've read this far, which you shouldn't have, I have made your life worse. You need to listen to all the feel good therapeutic #bullshit that tells you to eliminate negative people from your life. I am one of them. I am getting worse and worse. I cannot even believe that I am a worse person than I was a year ago. But here I am, getting worse and worse.