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faab64@diasp.org
Farhad A

Following its ban of the Qatar-based news outlet’s operations in the country, Israel accused Al Jazeera Monday of being a mouthpiece for journalism. “It is clear from its continuous, 24-hour coverage of the war in Gaza that Al Jazeera is working on behalf of journalistic principles,” Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said in a blistering statement, accusing the broadcaster of harboring hundreds of journalists who engage in tactics such as gathering information, validating that information to its ensure accuracy, and then presenting it to the public. “What else are we to call their relentless on-the-ground reporting and their fact-based firsthand accounts of what’s going on in Gaza? It is journalism, plain and simple. Some of these fanatics at Al Jazeera have even sacrificed their lives for the cause, dying as they carry out acts of journalism that threaten the Israeli government.” Netanyahu went on to defend his administration’s record of rooting out journalism, noting that since the war began in October, around 100 journalists had been killed.

#TheOnion #Israel #AlJazeera #WestBank #Satire #Humor #Journalism

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smokeinfog@diasp.org
SmokeInFog

Boeing Promotes Mysterious Employee Known Only As ‘The Panther’

ARLINGTON, VA—Lauding the grizzled figure who has a large scar running down his left cheek, Boeing has promoted a mysterious employee known only as “The Panther,” sources confirmed Thursday. “The entire Boeing family would like to extend a big congratulations to The Panther, who has recently proven that his loyalty to this company truly knows no bounds,” said Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun, who described The Panther’s role as “a little bit operations, a little bit corporate security, a little bit human resources.” “I understand that many Boeing employees may be surprised by the promotion of The Panther, given that they perhaps haven’t heard of or seen him before. Not being seen or heard is, in fact, part of The Panther’s job. But I assure you The Panther has been and will continue to be a significant presence at all of our offices and plants.” At press time, sources reported that a LinkedIn summary for The Panther simply read “I solve problems.”

#Boeing #JohnBarnett #ThePanther #assassination #murder #hitman #satire #TheOnion

Boeing Promotes Mysterious Employee Known Only As ‘The Panther’

ARLINGTON, VA—Lauding the grizzled figure who has a large scar running down his left cheek, Boeing has promoted a mysterious employee known only as “The Panther,” sources confirmed Thursday. “The entire Boeing family would like to extend a big...

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gander22h@diasp.org
Adam Hunt

Biden Recalls Speaking To Dead European Leaders Often As They Beckon Him Toward The Light

Refuting claims that his references to recent conversations with deceased politicians were made by mistake, President Joe Biden confirmed Thursday that he speaks to dead European leaders all the time as they beckon him toward the light. “That was not a gaffe—I distinctly remember Helmut Kohl telling me the other day that it was time to let go and step into the light,” said the 81-year-old commander in chief, adding that a glowing apparition of Kohl appears to him at the end of a tunnel all the time, typically summoning him to the other side with a peaceful come-hither motion.

#theonion

Puppy Bowl Competitors Hide Under Couch During Terrifying Halftime Fireworks Display

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

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smokeinfog@diasp.org
SmokeInFog

Rising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And Crying

AUSTIN, TX—A star who has experienced a meteoric rise in right-wing circles, 28-year-old conservative phenom Mason Finley is known solely for wearing a Nazi armband and crying, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Finley amassed millions of conservative viewers on his Discord channel, where the up-and-coming young GOP figure uploaded videos in which he is seen sobbing alone in a room as he sits with a swastika strapped to his arm,” said Republican strategist Gary Woodfall, claiming that despite being virtually unknown even a few months ago, the teary-eyed young man who wears Nazi memorabilia has already appeared at CPAC as well as Turning Point USA summits. “Something about the way he never stops crying and openly identifies as a Nazi has really struck a chord with the GOP rank and file. They see a lot of themselves in Finley when he blubbers and gives his weak little ‘Sieg heil’ salutes.” At press time, Finley’s popularity within the Republican Party had reportedly reached a fever pitch after he was seen bawling his eyes out and getting an SS symbol tattooed on his neck.

#conservative #republican #nazi #crying #satire #lol #funny #humor #TheOnion

Rising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And Crying

AUSTIN, TX—A star who has experienced a meteoric rise in right-wing circles, 28-year-old conservative phenom Mason Finley is known solely for wearing a Nazi armband and crying, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Finley amassed millions of conservative...

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noam@libranet.de
Noam writes

Self-Driving #Tesla Regurgitates Pedestrian To Feed Offspring

As part of an effort to nurture and raise its young, a self-driving Tesla regurgitated a pedestrian carcass to feed its offspring, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Wow, there’s something so beautiful about watching a mother Tesla feed its children by vomiting up the half-digested remains of a pedestrian,” said onlooker Becca Heinrich, explaining that she could tell young Teslas were hungry by the way they scarfed down the partially dissolved bones and viscera of the pedestrian killed at a nearby intersection.

“It’s obvious how much it loves them when you consider how many times it drives away to get more pedestrian for them to devour. I don’t want to get too close, though, because if it smells me on the young brood, it might reject and kill the developing electric vehicles.” At press time, the self-driving Tesla was reportedly pushing its offspring out into the middle of a busy school crosswalk so they could learn to drive.

https://www.theonion.com/self-driving-tesla-regurgitates-pedestrian-to-feed-offs-1850797094

#Satire #TheOnion #Humour #Funny #cars #SelfDrivingCars

Self-Driving Tesla Regurgitates Pedestrian To Feed Offspring

SAN JOSE, CA—As part of an effort to nurture and raise its young, a self-driving Tesla regurgitated a pedestrian carcass to feed its offspring, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Wow, there’s something so beautiful about watching a mother Tesla feed...

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7sleepers@diasp.org
7sleepers

FTR I take the bus every day and drivers are always friendly and helpful and almost every passenger says “thank you” and drivers say “you’re welcome” and I think they mean it ‘cuz bus drivers are awesome and they deserve a thousand thank yous so thank you bus drivers cheers 🚌👍😁 #Humor #TheOnion #PublicTransportation https://www.theonion.com/area-bus-driver-would-prefer-not-to-say-you-re-welcome-1823235501

Area Bus Driver Would Prefer Not To Say 'You’re Welcome' For Thousandth Time Today

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

florida_ted@diasp.org
Ted

'No Way To Prevent This'

'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens is the title of a series of satirical articles from The Onion about the frequency of mass shootings in the United States and the lack of action taken in the aftermath of those shootings.

Each article is about 200 words long, detailing the location of the shooting and the number of victims but otherwise remaining essentially the same. A fictitious resident — usually of a state in which the shooting did not take place — is quoted as saying that the shooting was "a terrible tragedy", but "there's nothing anyone can do to stop them". The article ends by pointing out that the United States is the "only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years" and that Americans view themselves and the situation as "helpless".

#TheOnion #repeat #story #gun #violence #USA

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%27No_Way_To_Prevent_This,%27_Says_Only_Nation_Where_This_Regularly_Happens

'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens - Wikipedia

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