Tesla Lays Off Entire Team Behind Brakes
https://www.theonion.com/tesla-lays-off-entire-team-behind-brakes-1851449223
#theonion
Boeing Promotes Mysterious Employee Known Only As ‘The Panther’
ARLINGTON, VA—Lauding the grizzled figure who has a large scar running down his left cheek, Boeing has promoted a mysterious employee known only as “The Panther,” sources confirmed Thursday. “The entire Boeing family would like to extend a big congratulations to The Panther, who has recently proven that his loyalty to this company truly knows no bounds,” said Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun, who described The Panther’s role as “a little bit operations, a little bit corporate security, a little bit human resources.” “I understand that many Boeing employees may be surprised by the promotion of The Panther, given that they perhaps haven’t heard of or seen him before. Not being seen or heard is, in fact, part of The Panther’s job. But I assure you The Panther has been and will continue to be a significant presence at all of our offices and plants.” At press time, sources reported that a LinkedIn summary for The Panther simply read “I solve problems.”
#Boeing #JohnBarnett #ThePanther #assassination #murder #hitman #satire #TheOnion
Biden Recalls Speaking To Dead European Leaders Often As They Beckon Him Toward The Light
Refuting claims that his references to recent conversations with deceased politicians were made by mistake, President Joe Biden confirmed Thursday that he speaks to dead European leaders all the time as they beckon him toward the light. “That was not a gaffe—I distinctly remember Helmut Kohl telling me the other day that it was time to let go and step into the light,” said the 81-year-old commander in chief, adding that a glowing apparition of Kohl appears to him at the end of a tunnel all the time, typically summoning him to the other side with a peaceful come-hither motion.
Rising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And Crying
AUSTIN, TX—A star who has experienced a meteoric rise in right-wing circles, 28-year-old conservative phenom Mason Finley is known solely for wearing a Nazi armband and crying, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Finley amassed millions of conservative viewers on his Discord channel, where the up-and-coming young GOP figure uploaded videos in which he is seen sobbing alone in a room as he sits with a swastika strapped to his arm,” said Republican strategist Gary Woodfall, claiming that despite being virtually unknown even a few months ago, the teary-eyed young man who wears Nazi memorabilia has already appeared at CPAC as well as Turning Point USA summits. “Something about the way he never stops crying and openly identifies as a Nazi has really struck a chord with the GOP rank and file. They see a lot of themselves in Finley when he blubbers and gives his weak little ‘Sieg heil’ salutes.” At press time, Finley’s popularity within the Republican Party had reportedly reached a fever pitch after he was seen bawling his eyes out and getting an SS symbol tattooed on his neck.
#conservative #republican #nazi #crying #satire #lol #funny #humor #TheOnion
Self-Driving #Tesla Regurgitates Pedestrian To Feed Offspring
As part of an effort to nurture and raise its young, a self-driving Tesla regurgitated a pedestrian carcass to feed its offspring, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Wow, there’s something so beautiful about watching a mother Tesla feed its children by vomiting up the half-digested remains of a pedestrian,” said onlooker Becca Heinrich, explaining that she could tell young Teslas were hungry by the way they scarfed down the partially dissolved bones and viscera of the pedestrian killed at a nearby intersection.
“It’s obvious how much it loves them when you consider how many times it drives away to get more pedestrian for them to devour. I don’t want to get too close, though, because if it smells me on the young brood, it might reject and kill the developing electric vehicles.” At press time, the self-driving Tesla was reportedly pushing its offspring out into the middle of a busy school crosswalk so they could learn to drive.
https://www.theonion.com/self-driving-tesla-regurgitates-pedestrian-to-feed-offs-1850797094
More #Americans Opting To Deep Fry #Christmas Tree This Year
ha ha ha, good one from #TheOnion.
https://www.theonion.com/more-americans-opting-to-deep-fry-christmas-tree-this-y-1845905260
Elon Musk Hides In Dark Twitter Office As Landlord Bangs On Door Demanding Rent
Hissing at his remaining employees to close the blinds and stay out of sight, Elon Musk reportedly hid in a darkened office at Twitter headquarters Friday as his landlord banged on the door demanding that he pay rent.
#satire #theonion #twitter #musk
https://www.theonion.com/elon-musk-hides-in-dark-twitter-office-as-landlord-bang-1849899600
Bios from The Right Stuff dating app
More: https://www.theonion.com/best-bios-from-the-conservatives-only-online-dating-sit-1849642523
FTR I take the bus every day and drivers are always friendly and helpful and almost every passenger says “thank you” and drivers say “you’re welcome” and I think they mean it ‘cuz bus drivers are awesome and they deserve a thousand thank yous so thank you bus drivers cheers 🚌👍😁 #Humor #TheOnion #PublicTransportation https://www.theonion.com/area-bus-driver-would-prefer-not-to-say-you-re-welcome-1823235501
'No Way To Prevent This'
'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens is the title of a series of satirical articles from The Onion about the frequency of mass shootings in the United States and the lack of action taken in the aftermath of those shootings.
Each article is about 200 words long, detailing the location of the shooting and the number of victims but otherwise remaining essentially the same. A fictitious resident — usually of a state in which the shooting did not take place — is quoted as saying that the shooting was "a terrible tragedy", but "there's nothing anyone can do to stop them". The article ends by pointing out that the United States is the "only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years" and that Americans view themselves and the situation as "helpless".
Gotta love The Onion.
https://www.theonion.com/tv-network-refuses-to-air-miracle-on-34th-street-for-1848159248
Rob Manfred Confirms Pete Rose Remains Ineligible From DraftKings Official #MLB Hall Of Fame At Cooperstown ⚓ https://www.theonion.com/rob-manfred-confirms-pete-rose-remains-ineligible-from-1848143944 ䷉ #theonion #satire
