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artsound2@diasp.eu
HU Art Sound

Study Finds People Most Confident When Unaware Their Fly Undone

COLUMBUS, OH—According to a new study published Tuesday in the Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, researchers at the Ohio State University found that people were most confident while unaware that the fly of their pants was undone. “We found a tremendously strong correlation between walking into a room with your zipper fully undone and putting your hand on your hips and announcing, ‘Hey, everybody!’” said researcher Zachariah Willis, who noted that whistling contentedly, standing with your head held high and your shoulders back, and feeling that the day was going exceptionally well were among the greatest indicators that a subject was completely oblivious to what was going on with their pants. “Some of the situations in which this phenomenon most frequently occurs include school presentations, having your picture taken for the local newspaper, and nationally televised talent competitions. Interestingly enough, we also found that subjects who were wearing elastic waistbands were prone to their pants splitting right down the middle the moment they were receiving an award for perfect attendance.” At press time, Willis added that the researchers would next be exploring the link between it being the most important day of your professional life and having your skirt tucked into your underwear.

#onion #confident with #Openfly https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-people-most-confident-when-unaware-their-fl-1851297913

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artsound2@diasp.eu
HU Art Sound

Justices Expand Supreme Court To 40 Right-Wing Buddies

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the move just made sense given the national importance of their rulings, the six conservative justices announced Friday that they had expanded the U.S. Supreme Court to include 40 of their right-wing buddies. “The Supreme Court is pleased to welcome a few stalwart conservative judges from the circuit courts, a dozen reactionaries from Harvard Law School, and my brother-in-law, an accountant,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, adding that he, along with Samuel Alito, Amy Coney Barrett, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Clarence Thomas, had overruled the court’s three liberal members and sworn in 40 new conservative justices that morning. “We figured Biden or Congress would try to expand the court, given all that’s going on, and we were surprised when they didn’t—but hey, that’s typical Washington gridlock for you. Hanging out with the same nine people all the time is kind of a drag, so we decided to take it upon ourselves to call up the Heritage Foundation and get 15 recommendations. Neil also invited some of his golf buddies, Amy called a couple priests she knows through church, and for diversity, we let a couple of the guys bring their wives. It’ll be nice having Ginni here on the court, for Clarence’s sake. And as a bonus, this should give the Supreme Court a rock-solid right-wing majority that will last until the end of time.” At press time, the Supreme Court had ruled 46-3 to overturn gay marriage.

https://www.theonion.com/justices-expand-supreme-court-to-40-right-wing-buddies-1850596173
#SCOTUS #onion

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