#connection

icu_security@iviv.hu

An Anatomy of Shock

When a person tries to interact with another, there is usually one or more behaviours involved. This can involve physical and emotional behaviours. In order to apply the interaction one, or both, people (we’re talking about only two people to keep it simple) need to open themselves up and make themselves vulnerable to experience that interaction.

Chapter 1 – What Shock Is
Chapter 2 – How Shock Allows a Manipulator, or Unhealthy Person, to Gain Control and Influence
Chapter 3 – Where Manipulators Come In
Chapter 4 – Removing Shock and Unhealthy Behaviour Patterns

Full Article Here - An Anatomy of Shock

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#shock #manipulator #manipulation #abuse #abuser #abused #trauma #healing #heal #emotion #emotions #emotional #emotionally #connection #manipulators #behaviour #behavior #psychology #psychological #anatomy #facade #facades #fear #child #parent

icu_security@iviv.hu

How a Manipulative Family Regained Control of a Straying Member

This illustrates how a manipulative biological family regains control of a sibling who was starting show signs of happiness and independence. To keep the identities of those involved confidential, we have given them pseudonyms to maintain their privacy.

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This tells the story of Mike. He comes from an abusive and controlling family, and still lives with them. Mike is in his mid 20s and has had little contact with people outside of his own biological family. This represents a specific chapter in his life in which he was beginning to feel more independent and happy but reeled back in due to intense stress caused by his own biological family.

By the way, just to note, this is not an anti biological family post. Not all biological families are controlling and abusive. But it does also illustrate that some people need a family connection with others outside of their biological family.


Mike’s Story

I was in my mid 20s when this happened. I live with a very closed in family. At least for me it was very closed in. I had other siblings, and although they also had issues, they somehow seemed to have more freedom than I. I am aware they also got abuse when they were young, but as they’re both the same age they had each other to console themselves with. I’m a lot younger than them and never had anyone.

My father was never around. I only remember seeing him a couple of times when I was about five. Strangely I felt more parental love from him than anyone else. Yet he left and never returned and no one ever spoke about him or would talk to me about him. I was left to believe he was gone forever.

After he left, all I seemed to remember was abuse; be it from my mother or my other siblings. Everything I did was wrong. Thinking independently was frowned upon. Any ideas from me was treated as something bad. Only good things that benefited them or helping them was seen as good and rewarding. Asking for help or doing anything for myself was seen as selfish. I would be looked down up, shamed, or made to feel guilty; this was also especially true if I made any mistakes.

I lived most of my growing up in fear and fear of making mistakes. Sometimes I would lie to cover up my mistakes to avoid being punished. But when found out, I would be punished. If I owned up to them, I was still punished. There was no love in that family, just control and fear.

I wasn’t allowed to play out with others on my own. Friends, when they called, were told I couldn’t go with them, or later I had to tell them some excuse as to why I couldn’t go. There were times when I questioned why and asked the logic of why, there was always some reason I couldn’t. It was reasons like: I couldn’t be trusted, I had to help family, I had other things to do. I never ever remember being allowed to mix with anyone that was like me. The only people I could mix with sometimes were only people my family approved of and those people didn’t exactly give me the confidence I needed to feel safe with them.

One day I started attending an activity outside of home. I was already attending a number so this wasn’t unusual. I’d never really been able to connect with others in other activities but this time it was different. This time I met a friend. His name was Terry. He was about nine years older than me but very relaxed in his approach. I didn’t quite know how to interact with him at first because someone being that kind to me was pretty alien. I couldn’t understand what I’d done to deserve such treatment. Being in an abusive environment for a long time means you get conditioned to believe that being abused and only getting nice things if you do things for others, is the norm. Being treated nicely for no reason was quite alien to me. It felt good being treated this way but at the same time rather surprising. I found it hard to show my appreciation properly as I didn’t know what was the right sort of behaviour. But he was very patient with me so it didn’t seem like a problem.

In many ways, he felt like the family I’d never had, the father I’d never had. It felt like he was treating me the way a parent treated a child. And it felt like something I needed. In addition, as time grew on, I started treating him the same way and it felt natural to do so. It wasn’t forceful. There were no demands. It just felt natural to have this kind of connection.

See I tend to reflect back what people give to me. When people are nice it gets reflected back. When people aren’t so nice I’m no longer as co-operative. So if someone treats me like my feelings don’t matter I tend to ignore them or do something which makes them realise their behaviour towards me wasn’t right. It doesn’t feel like a conscious choice to do this though. It more feels like an automatic response. I don’t know why, this is just me. But my family could never understand this and thought they could just program me to be different or respond as they wanted. But it never worked so was often living in a hostile environment. They were abusing me, I wasn’t escaping the abuse but I wasn’t just standing there and taking it. I was reacting and they just though by snapping back and giving me more abuse would make me stop reacting. The reality though, was it just made things worse.

When I was growing up, I wasn’t being allowed to grow up at my own pace. It felt like someone else was deciding for me at what ages to grow to the next stage without my consent. Toys would disappear and I would notice they weren’t there any more. These were not toys I was discarding naturally. These were being removed from my life at a point I wasn’t ready to let them go. Papers I would save from school I’d put away because I thought they’d be useful to reference back to later. But I’d then come to the kitchen one day and find them in shreds by the bin waiting to be thrown out. I hadn’t made that decision to get rid of them. The decision had been made for me without my consent. If I ever questioned it they’d play dumb, play it down or try to coerce me into believing that I didn’t need them any more. But it still hurt and left a gap because something had been taken from me that I didn’t want to lose. In effect, these things had been stolen from me. There were later times when my possessions had been given away to other siblings. One item I had bought for myself, a piece of furniture. It was something nice and a nice gift for myself and it made me happy. But later I found it was given away to another sibling. When I questioned this, they again played dumb and said they didn’t realise it had belonged to me – yeah, as if they genuinely expected me to believe that! All it did was cause further resentment from me.

But back to my main story, Terry and I were getting along really well. I felt a lot happier and he felt like he was my family. I only attended the activity maybe two times a week, but I got more from him, family wise, seeing him for that length of time than from my biological family who I saw every day.

I mean, I must have been outwardly changing as well. People must have noticed I was getting a lot happier. My biological family must have noticed. I actually started attending the activity more times a week just to be able to interact with Terry because he treated me like an individual. The was mutual respect between us and we always looked after each other and prevented either from coming to harm.

Another thing was our interaction was a nice slow pace. So nothing we did or learnt about each other shocked us. Another reason for this slow pace was that English wasn’t his first language. Oh he could speak it ok, but when there were times something wasn’t understood between us we took time to make ourselves understood either through words or non-verbal communications, gestures etc. And there was something else. We never called each other by our names. We just interacted without calling each other anything. And in many ways that was nice because it was good to be accepted as a person without having a label as such. When at home I was always being called my name and often in a tone as if I’d done something wrong. It was like the name first and then the individuality second if I was lucking. For family, my name was me and my name was punished as if it was just me. But with Terry, although we knew our names, it was our individuality that came first. The names were just identifiers if they were needed.

So for about two years I’d now known Terry and was feeling a lot better for it. But then my family dropped a bombshell. They announced they were going to move house. They weren’t moving to another town but just a slightly smaller house. They’d actually moved once before and it had a terrible effect on me. I lost most of the few friends and connections I had and it actually put me in a more anxious state which I’d never really recovered from. That was another move I had to go along with whether I liked it or not. But this time was different.

When it happened I assumed the reasons were genuine. But when I look back I start to notice questionable things about it and the effect it had on me. Naturally I didn’t want to move. I wasn’t ready and I’d felt happier in my home as I was happier finding new family in Terry. Though my family never knew about him. I never discussed my biological family with him because… well, why would I? My biological family made me unhappy so I just didn’t want to discuss them. He was providing me what they weren’t. He was my family as far as I was concerned.

I was told we couldn’t afford to live there any more. I came up with suggestions of how we could manage this. One was maybe taking in a lodger. You see other siblings had moved out and it was a bit sparse in that house, so in some ways that was a sensible suggestion because it meant getting money from rent etc. But no, they wouldn’t even entertain the idea, nor any other ideas. Though the lodger one may have been because they didn’t want anyone outside knowing of the abuse that was going on or for me to tell anyone outside what was happening.

So despite my objections I had to watch as my family, and siblings, were now completely against me. I had to watch as people were shown round and discussing what room could be used for what. The rooms I’d made my home in that I really wasn’t ready to leave behind. But seeing their use being psychologically destroyed by new people being shown around. It was like I didn’t exist as a person and none of my feelings mattered.

This event actually put me under a lot of stress and affected my connection with Terry. I was suddenly in a situation where I felt powerless and needed a way out. I was in need, desperate need and this was making itself visible in my personality. Remember I said before that anything directed at me was also reflected back. Well stress also has that affect because it puts me in a desperate mindset. And in that mindset I make decisions that are not healthy for me. In the past my family had used similar tactics to pressure me into doing things I didn’t want, to make me give things up I wasn’t ready to let go, or to force me to make decisions which were unhealthy for me.

So I was in desperate need for a way out or somewhere to go. With Terry it stopped being a nice slow and relaxed connection and became a rushed one. So I was doing things so fast he wasn’t ready for. Not that anything was said, but my mannerisms indicated as such. He became scared of me and actually withdrew and put barriers up. True there were other factors going on as well not related to the house move, but my stress affected him. And I could no longer help him the same because I was suddenly in desperate need. You see before, things happened at a slow relaxed pace so nothing happened too quick and no one got stressed. I didn’t have this overall grand plan to make him my family, it just naturally began happening that way. If I hadn’t had that external stress then that slow relaxed pace would probably have continued. But the trust was reduced and I wasn’t able to tell him what was happening as I was under so much pressure. My life as I knew it was being destroyed and I felt powerless to stop it.

So as a result I actually lost Terry. He actually left that activity and I lost my only real family connection. But what happened next was even worse. I was desperate for a connection to carry me through it. For some reason I went to one of my siblings whom I’d never really trusted before. It was one that had also abused me. Had the move not been forced on me I would never have made such a decision. But I was under so much stress and pressure it was good to get relief. Or, so I thought.

I still had to move and my sibling convinced me it wouldn’t be so bad. So I became closer to that sibling. But, despite this, I still longed for Terry to come back. And this sibling, that I trusted, once the mask had started to slip, became very controlling, demanding and impatient with me. But now I was back in my controlling family. And I just felt this grey emptiness where Terry should have been. I’d lost a father figure that understood me. I’d lost a real genuine family connection. I’d lost someone to genuinely care for as well. And all because my biological family wanted to regain control of me.

End


Analysis

Mike grew up in a controlled and abusive environment with little outside contact and therefore never knew any different. He was still living at home in his mid 20s as a result.
When Mike met Terry he didn’t understand why he was being treated so well for no reason. Mike didn’t realise this was normal human behaviour because he’d never been allowed to experience it.

Mike saw Terry as a father figure. It worked because Terry naturally assumed this role. Mike also extended this role back to Terry so in a way was giving to Terry what Terry was giving to Mike. A sort of mutual exchange but an automatic one.

Mike is a type of person that will give back whatever is directed at him. If positive behaviour is aimed at him then positive behaviour will be reflected back. If negative behaviour is aimed at him then the behaviour given back will be one that tries to make people understand that their treatment of him is not acceptable.

It would seem, though not confirmed, that Mike’s family preferred to have him in a fearful state or a state in which he felt powerless. They wanted Mike to only rely on the family and not be completely happy. Because in an unhappy state the family found it easier to keep Mike under their control. If they wanted him to do a certain thing, or give something up, they simply applied pressure or put him under stress. Putting him under stress to force him to give up things that made him happy and accept things that made him unhappy.

Conclusion

Some people have good family connections with their own biological family. Some do not and need someone external. Not all who do not have connection with their biological family are in an abusive one. Some just need a connection that only certain other individuals can give. Though it must be asked, in Mike’s case, did the family really genuinely want children at all because all they seemed to do is not care about them and abuse them. It could also be said that the family did want children but they had an expectation that they would all naturally connect. But when this natural connection did not occur they resorted to abuse and controlling behaviour to force such a connection on the siblings. The abusive strategy of course didn’t work and just resulted in resentment from Mike and other family siblings.

Perhaps family should be redefined as to what family really is. Not as society dictates that you should only remain loyal to your biological family; because in abusive situations, and non-abusive, people are under pressure to put those first who have either abused them or they have no natural connection to.

And when we say a natural connection we mean like an automatic connection. The connection happens automatically. There is no force or agreement before hand. It just happens. As with Mike and Terry there was an automatic connection and an automatic reciprocation. It wasn’t forced on them nor expected. There was no pressure on either party to accept that role. The connection happens as if it were natural. Meaning, it feels right to go along with it and there is no pressure whatsoever.

#father #family #connection #abuse #fear #manipulation

anonymiss@despora.de

How to send a #password securely over an unsecured #connection

A relatively common task for me as a hacktivist is to set up secure #communication channels for technologically innocent newbies. I could of course explain to them how #GPG works, but this often fails due to the lack of will to understand and download and install the programs. Very often I use #XMPP server inside the #onion network (TOR) for #communication. The target must install the Tor #browser for this and can then use an XMPP web client. I can set all that up. The only problem is how do I send the authentication data for the XMPP access securely over an unencrypted connection?

I use #PrivateBin for this #problem: https://privatebin.info

PrivateBin is a #PastBin with encryption and burn after reading features. I post a message on PrivateBin with all the information and burn after reading. The message is encrypted and can only be decrypted with a parameter send together with the URI. The URI can look like this:

https://privatebin.net/?55ac2c8792cb12b9#3fQw1R8SAAQUUGsoa7nDdkYwq34Pzw6GQeSA56v5nusq

If the user can log in, then the authentication data has reached him without being compromised. After that, everything else can be discussed over an encrypted connection. If the user cannot log in, the data may have been intercepted. If you operate the PrivateBin server yourself, you can see which IP has accessed it. You should change the XMPP server and create new authentication in this case.

It can happen that with a weak internet connection the page cannot be loaded completely and when you press reload, of course it doesn't work because the page only works once due to the "burn after reading". Then you have to send the whole thing again with a newly generated URI. But if this does not work several times you should be very careful. Secret service agents like to play the fool in order to tempt you to use unsecured communication channels that are easier for them to wiretap.


#wisdom #knowledge #internet #instruction #security #privacy #surveillance #encryption

elegance@socialhome.network

My Octopus Teacher

After years of swimming every day in the freezing ocean at the tip of Africa, Craig Foster meets an unlikely teacher: a young octopus who displays remarkable curiosity. Visiting her den and tracking her movements for months on end he eventually wins the animal’s trust and they develop a never-before-seen bond between human and wild animal.
Released: 2020-03-19
Genre: Documentary
Casts: Craig Foster,
Duration: 84 min
Country: South Africa
Production: N/A

#documentary #octopus #nature #connection with #wild-nature #ocean #kelp-forest #Craig-Foster #Sth-Africa

ramil_rodaje@diasp.org

https://vimeo.com/ondemand/calloftheforest

tcotf

Call of the Forest

The Forgotten Wisdom of Trees

In a theatrical feature and 1-hour television documentary, we follow visionary scientist, conservationist and author, Diana Beresford-Kroeger, on her journey to the most beautiful forests of the northern hemisphere. From the sacred #sugi and #cedar forests of #Japan, the ancient #Raheen Wood of #Ireland, the walnut and redwood trees of #America, to the great boreal forest of #Canada, Beresford-Kroeger tells us the amazing stories behind the history and legacy of these ancient forests while also explaining the science of trees and the irreplaceable roles they play in protecting and feeding the planet.

Take a walk in the woods with acclaimed Irish-Canadian scientist and author, Diana Beresford-Kroeger, as she reveals our profound human connection to the ancient & sacred northern forests and the essential role that they play in sustaining the health of our planet.

#CallOfTheForest #documentary #film #nature #connection #reconnection #environment #trees #forests #DianaBeresford-Kroeger #CallOfTheForestTheForgottenWisdomOfTrees #MeritMotionPictures #EdgelandFilms #docu-films

ramil_rodaje@diasp.org

https://vimeo.com/405615637

The Connectivity Project

Do you ever wonder, “Does what I do make a difference in the world?” The answer is YES, it does! Physicists, scientists and indigenous traditions all acknowledge the interconnected nature of our existence. As everything in this life is connected, every action we take has the potential to reverberate through the world as we know it.

The Connectivity Project helps to build awareness of this interdependence, encouraging a deeper understanding of the potential impact of our actions - large and small - with empowering films, engaging curriculum and a curated collection of related resources.

The Connectivity Project film series presents stories of the ripple effects of our actions, large and small, and sheds light on the interconnected nature of life, society and our very survival. This engaging project combines documentary storytelling with beautiful imagery, in-depth curriculum and a curated collection of compelling resources to inspire ways to participate intentionally towards creating a better world for ourselves and for others. These acclaimed and thought-provoking films are composed of interviews with indigenous leaders, farmers, scientists, activists and students, expanding awareness of the impact of our choices and voices.

Seeing the effects of our actions

Being immersed in the wonders of the natural world for much of my life as a botanist, herbalist, teacher and filmmaker, I have spent a lot of time observing and marveling at the intricate systems that transpire all around us. The Connectivity Project was created in order to present stories, foster conversations and inspire curiosity about the ripple effects of our actions. If indeed all of life is interconnected, it stands to reason that we have real opportunities to make a difference in our own lives and in the lives around us.

I hope you enjoy the work.

— Rose Madrone, Founder, Connectivity Project

#TheConnectivityProject #documentary #film #series #awareness #interdependence #actions #interconnected #nature #life #society #survival #connection #reconnection #LindseyGrayzel #MelissaGregoryRue #HeidiZimmerman #RobertConsentino #RoseMadrone

icu_security@iviv.hu

The Cancellation Effect

Possible reasons why certain criminals show little or no emotions. Also why others don’t seem to notice they are going to do something bad.

Not Having Contact With Anyone Similar To Yourself

The mechanics of which appear to be that someone is more likely to open out to someone that is pretty similar to themselves. If you haven’t got that it can feel very alone and isolating with feelings you have no one to open out to. So if an individual is troubled they may stay troubled. If left with those troubles, and no one to truly trust, then those troubles will just get unresolved and may get worse. This is why psychiatry doesn’t always work. If the person doesn’t trust the other person then they’re likely to hold things back. And when things are held back they don’t get dealt with.

From observation not everyone responds the same way to all people. Would anyone seriously open out to someone they didn’t feel comfortable with? Who are you going to trust more; someone that is like you yourself or someone who is completely different? Therefore, if you have no one similar around then you could feel you have no one you can truly trust.

If you have someone closely matching you it can be like having a conversation with yourself; in that you’ll be likely getting helpful responses rather than unhelpful ones. Then why doesn’t everyone just talk to themselves you might ask? Because people enjoy healthy interaction with the company of other people; but it helps more if it’s the right people.

People Going Bad Because They’re Around The Wrong People?

How many times have people felt they could genuinely open up to someone and felt comfortable doing it? If it’s the right person, it should come naturally; there would be no need to force through any emotions simply to get them out. If it’s the wrong person then they could get an unhelpful reaction. For example: they could be laughed at, told it’s nothing to worry about, it’s all in their mind, have no genuine emotion or appreciation shown to them. Nobody wants an emotionless blank stare or the wrong response when you try to explain that something is wrong. Purely for the reason that if something is wrong you require a specific emotional response for it to be made right. If you get the response that doesn’t help you then you may as well be talking to a brick wall.

“Hello brick wall. I’m really feeling depressed. I can’t cope”
Brick wall naturally stays emotionally cold and says nothing. So imagine getting that sort of response from another human being, if say, you really need some sympathy or care. You’re going to think no one cares about you or wants to care about you. You’re going to feel cold and emotionless towards people because there is no emotion to be felt.

Another thing to remember is, just because someone tries to give the right emotional response, doesn’t make it genuine. And many people in a depressed state will know if someone isn’t being genuine. The response will feel forced as if too much emphasis is being put into the tone of the response. When someone gives a genuine response there is no emphasis – they would naturally feel for that person without the need to push it. No one is going to respond positively if the response isn’t genuine. There’s a difference in being paid to trying to help someone and genuinely wanting to do it.

Result – those feelings get hidden away until they build up and erupt in negative ways. Unless of course you happen upon someone you feel you can actually talk to without feeling embarrassed or bad about doing it. The other result is you can end up linking together with the wrong people that will actually make the problem worse; as in the case of those who go out to commit murder or other serious crimes.

The Mirror Effect

Ever been round or near someone and they instantly perk you up? And they don’t actually have to do much and you don’t need to explain anything. They don’t need to over-emphasis understanding. Ever been with someone whom you have no trouble expressing your emotions to? Now imagine being deprived of that. Imagine having to go through life where being around people is a struggle. You have to explain things in detail to people and they still come up with the wrong responses. You might come to believe that not only does no one understand you but no one wants to even try understanding you. If someone needs to ask what is wrong and is seriously struggling understanding how they can help then it’s unlikely they really understand what you need.

If there’s someone similar to you, they’re more likely to want to help, because it’s like looking in the mirror at yourself. However, some people can find this fearful seeing someone just like you and can bring forth emotions they might be scared to experience. Some people are comfortable with it. But others can be scared to come face to face with someone who can effectively see right into you. They might be scared they’ll know all your darkest deeds or they might be afraid how others will see it.

The Cancellation Effect

If you get two troubled people who are the same they can seemingly cancel each other out. Think of Rock – Paper – Scissors. When the opposite of the same meet nobody wins, but then nobody loses either. Stalemate.

It can be a good thing as they won’t be violent to each other and be great for working on a project. Who better to work with than someone similar or the same? They’re certainly not going to argue or be objectionable to the way you work. They’re more likely to work with you in harmony. Just being around them is going to make you feel good. So no falling out if something goes wrong or one does something different.

They may more likely try to understand what you’re doing and the other will be open to new suggestions of ways to do something.

Blaming The Parents

Is this right? Not all children get along with their parents and if there is no trust they’re unlikely to open up to how they’re really feeling. Society and the media seem to impose a particular view that your family should always be the closest thing in your life and be the ones people should always turn to when things go wrong. And for some people this can be true, but that doesn’t mean it is true for everyone.

A parent can be as loving as they can possibly be, but that doesn’t mean that parent can understand what’s going on. if a parent is not the same as the their child then that child might not feel comfortable opening up to that parent. There would be no trust from the child of the parent. It’s not saying the parent is to blame for this however, it’s just how some things are. Not all people are the same and not all people are the same as other family members.

Therefore, in the case of parents being accused of not knowing their children were going to go off the rails “How could they not know”, it is clear the parent in many cases is not to blame.

How Does This Help With People Turning Bad?

Well, imagine living in a world where no one seems to understand you or you have no natural connection with. Imagine living in a world where you feel there is no one like you and therefore no one to truly understand you and appreciate you for who you are. It’s a very cold and emotionless world. That’s not to say everyone in that state is going to turn bad but it’s still not a healthy state to be in. If left unchecked, it might be understandable why certain individuals might feel no emotional connection to anyone else.

They could have thoughts such as:

“No one cares about me, no one appreciates me. Why should I care or have any emotion to anyone else?”
“I feel bad but there’s no one I can emotionally connect with.”
“There’s no one else like me, I hate myself.”
“They’re not like me. They have no feelings like me. They’re not real human beings”

Image then how such people would feel towards other people? Imagine the potential consequences of someone who’s “gone off the rails” with these sort of blank emotions.

#psychology #behaviour #depression #emotions #feelings #connection #emotionless #cancellation